Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

I have loved reading through the series of posts by bloggers called Things I’m Afraid to Tell You. Ez from Creature Comforts helped coordinate the whole thing (you can see the whole link up on this post), started with this post by Jess. It is truly inspirational, and while I try to be very real on this blog – even if no one were to read it, I love having reminders of feelings, inspiration and memories when I look back through it.

When thinking about the many things that I am afraid to tell you, some of them were things I was even afraid to admit myself. So, without further adieu…

1. Moving back to Savannah took a lot of strength. I think it is safe to say that my entire family, Zachary’s entire family and even my doctors think that it is a better idea for me to have this baby in Texas, near our family and friends. On paper, I completely agree. HOWEVER, it has been a huge adjustment (amid the many adjustments that deployment brings), and with the baby coming, I feel that even if I’m doing something that everyone completely disagrees with, moving back to Savannah feels like the best thing for me, the baby and our little family. Getting our space organized, getting our routine back and “nesting” before baby, in addition to jumping back into the projects I left before coming over to the Lone Star state.  I can’t really explain why in a way that people understand, but it is this gut feeling that I am going to honor.

2. I love the work that I do – starting my own business has been one of the most challenging, exciting experiences of my life. I love the rush of every success, even little ones, but after negative experiences like mean clients, missing payments, and lost opportunities, I can’t get the idea that this was a mistake out of my head. The complete lack of certainty terrifies me, not just when my next paycheck is coming in, but if this doesn’t work, what will I do next? Without the husband’s job (and his insurance) this career path would most definitely not be possible at this point in my life, and for that I am so thankful to him. The scary thoughts that come along with being a military spouse put even more terror in me, but that is somewhere that I just can’t go. Admitting this fear to you just makes it more real though.

3. I love reading and following the friends that I have made online through Twitter, their blogs and even fun events like Alt Summit. However, I can’t help but thing that what I’m doing is good enough, isn’t trendy enough, isn’t pretty, or fashionable, or lucrative enough. I love the “things” I have, but honestly do get a bit jelly when I see some of these people’s great clothes, friendships, and experiences. I just have to remind myself that the things I am doing will take me to a place where I want to be, and that even where I am now is just where I am supposed to be. Like Jess said, my real life is pretty amazing, if my online life doesn’t match up and a flare of green pops up, I am probably just seeing the stylized, photoshopped versions of life.

4. I’m not very confident in my own skin. I’ve battled a lot of self image issues over the years and while I have always been relatively healthy and fit, there always seems to be an extra jiggle, a piece of clothing too tight or someone that just looks fantastic without even trying. Being pregnant has been even more of a struggle. While I know that this weight gain is good – and is helping baby girl grow and develop and become this perfect little human, each ounce feels like guilt, and each time a piece of clothing no longer fits I end up spending hours in yoga pants that are still just a little big. I know that my dress size isn’t important, but reminding myself to constantly strive for inner beauty is a continuous struggle.

5. Speaking of inner beauty… I try very hard to be nice, to help people when I can, to be a good friend (or a good stranger) and provide support to those around me. While I don’t think I’m anywhere close to where I want to be, I do know that I am a long way from where I used to be. I’ve always been a driven, stubborn, motivated, take charge kind of person, but I woke up one day and realized that the way I was treating people was just unacceptable. I don’t think I was nice, kind, generous or compassionate, probably leaning more toward short tempered, judgmental, rude and impatient. The person that I think I used to be brings me a lot of shame and sadness, and while I doubt anyone I inflicted this upon reads this blog, I hope that they know how very sorry I am.

I’m not perfect, I know that no one is, but this post and this challenge are just reminders that for every inadequacy I feel (and that everyone does feel them), there are tens or (maybe) hundreds of things that I love and admire about myself.

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